Except that it wasn't meant to be messy.
My weekend started as any should, with the desperate flight from work. Ah it was glorious.
Having returned home one evening during the week in a truly detestable mood ( I even hated myself that night, so why anyone wanted to be near me is an unsolved mystery!)Papa Dodd decided that to cure me of my awful strop, he would take me to the cinema.
What a treat! I was taken to see cinema's most recent contribution to the black and white silent film era. 'The Artist' is truly fabulous and a wonderful piece of picture making. If (like me and many of my friends) you studied, or have a love of all things theatrical and dramatic (yes there is a difference)..,.and you perhaps call yourself a luvvie, then my fellow thespians you must rush at once to your nearest cinema purchase a ticket and immerse yourself.
I quickly acclimatised to the lack of sound effects, but for some reason still expected a slam each time the door was shut.
The soundtrack was great, so emotive and a story teller in it's own right. Never one to underestimate the musical score of a film, or the choice of soundtracks - but even the most unmusical of people would find it difficult to ignore the choices made in this film. The music is the only noise in the cinema. Unless of course someone insists on inhaling their popcorn. (Unfortuantely inhaling is the correct verb. Chewing would have caused less disturbance).
So my Friday night was a cultured affair, followed by a decision to take chinese food home with us. Mmm sometimes you just got to love noodles. I think we had a film on too but it was three days ago now so I don't remember.
Whatever we did watch it was enough to put me in bed so late that I missed my early morning rendezvous with Miss Hendo and Miss USA.
Note to self - if you hit your alarm when dozy, always double check you hit 'snooze' and not 'off''.
So not only did I wake up late, I missed the craft fair which Miss Hendo wanted to attend for her birthday shenanigans. Apparently it was a world of wool. Miss USA who has a fond spot for sheep went along, however I can't help think it must have been a bit of a nightmare for her. All that wool in one place means there are a lot of sheep who are very cold somewhere else.
I'm sorry that I was an hour and a half late ladies, but at least I didn't miss the champagne and eggybread breakfast.
Thank you for waiting for me. (My apologies for it being more brunch than breakfast).
Did you know ladies and gentlemen, because I only found out very recently, that Bucks Fizz is two parts orange juice and one part champagne and a Mimosa (much better sounding) is one part juice, to two parts champagne (and much better tasting!)
So happily merry on bubbles by 1 o'clock, we couldn't decide what to do with ourselves....
Then I clocked the Monopoly box, tucked oh so neatly beneath the television stand.
Never one for winning games and not being the slightest bit competitive (and totally gormless about money) I am quite possibly the best person to play with because I have no idea.
We played at Uni once - myself and my longbrook family; Miss BBL, Mr Furry, Miss Brazil, Frank, Mr BBL, Mr Tall, Miss JH and Inappropriate Jack. And I was mugged out of so many properties and swindled out of millions because I was too totally clueless to differentiate between an awful deal leading to bankruptancy or something that might help me....
Ha ha, but not this time friends.
Monopoly City and I are new found life partners and I shall sweep the floor with you all. I have never, not once in my life won a game of monopoly (neither has anyone else due to the precious hours of your life you lose) - we however, being sensible creatures, set a time limit.
Now I'm not one to gloat....but I won. By a long shot.
I have never held £10,000 0000 in my life, and monopoly money or not ... it's very unlikely to happen again.
So once the novelty had worn off (or not) it was time to get ourselves ready for drinks in the lovely waterside village (?) of Hamble - a favourite for yachties, sailors and loud excitable females and male companions. (For the record, that was us.)
I thought it would be a pleasant night, a little drinking, food, a little more drinking and then a soft stagger home.
How wrong could I have been?
The funny thing was, I think I was the one who initiated the first round of shots in the olde worlde pub where the landlord was almost definitely wasted. Intravenous drip to the barrels anyone?
I should have known it could only have got worse...
And it did.
No one was sick.
Or even remotely ill.
But we did find ourselves in taxi's on the way to a casino. I should like to point out that if I fired the starting gun on getting plastered, I was not the one to suggest the gambling.
I gambled, but not my money. Mr Officer (Miss USA's cousin-in-law, related by blood to Mr Scotsman) had very generously paid for dinner, a few rounds and then found himself very much up on his luck within minutes of entering the casino.
As if his kindness and generosity hadn't been on show enough, he donated funds for each of his newly found (in same cases) friends and family to fritter away and to learn the art of gambling.
Well I lost mine, then won it all back thanks to Frank's lucky numbers and then positioned myself at the blackjack table to watch Miss USA's arithmetic skills in action when trollied. I must say they're are a lot better than mine even when sober.
Satisfied that I had lost my money and won it all back, I was content that my gambling days were over. Until a very sleazy drunk foreign man across the table kept winning and decided that I must be his lucky charm. He just kept giving me chips.
When we left I'd nearly doubled my money. Fantastic news.
A new pair of shoes might be purchased soon - or having learnt from my monopoly win, I could invest it in a (albeit very small) property.
I think it was 5am when I rolled in.
Sorry parents for waking you up.
I spent all day recovering, didn't even get out my pyjamas. The recovery period is defintely unrelated to the volume of drink and more two how old you are. Gone are the days of rolling in at 2am (smashed) and leaping out of bed for a 9am lecture and all-day rehearsals.
Oh why can't I be a student again.
N.B One should never play Monopoly with friends who don't know you very well. There's something about vast quantities of money that releases your inner demon. Don't say I didn't warn you.
N.B II After a craving that began on Friday afternoon, I finally succumbed. This evening I went out in my car and brought back a little greasy dinner wrapped in brown paper. Mmm fish and chips. Now I'm never one to crave for fast food and after my massively unhealthy weekend, I thought this would be the last thing I wanted to digest, but it was so good. So. So good. And now by get fit regime shall rot in hell.
